Everyday, I am different. Like, today, I am this emotionless bitch who cares about nothing but myself but then the next day, I am that weakling who keeps on depending on other people in order to survive. Sometimes, I am a hopeful artist, a writer and a musician, all rolled into one. Other times, I am the professional geek who works too hard morning ’til night. But you know what’s hard about having different definitions of “me”? It’s the confusion that it gives me whenever I am to define myself.
Who am I, really? I don’t want to keep pushing myself to be someone who I am not nor I don’t want to limit myself to be someone that I can be just because I got used to my old self. There had been so many times when I got asked to describe myself: application for school paper, college and university admissions, job interviews, or even just a chitchat with a stranger.. Honestly, during those times, I’ve been completely dishonest. It is because every time I was asked to say something about myself, I always don’t know what to answer but since the necessity calls for it, I answer the best answer that the person who asked me wants to hear. For example, during a job interview which I am sure that I am not qualified, the interviewer asked me to convince him to hire me just by telling things about me that I am most proud of. Well, it’s like, “Ding! Here we go again with that question” and so without hesitation, I told him that first and foremost, I am proud that I am a survivor (I suddenly thought of how many times I quit something). Then I told him that I am hardworking (I always work hard to convince myself to get up and do some chores or simply battle with my idleness) and I know how to handle myself (and I thought, who am I again?) I guess I just didn’t know what it feels like to know yourself more than anyone else because I never really got there. I was just going with the flow, I enjoyed it too much that I forgot how to care for myself first before focusing on how I can follow the path that leads my life.
And as my life goes on, I realized that I was always in between. I am in the middle of a reality that I am actually living and an imaginary future that I am just imagining. When faced to choose between two choices, I always end up not choosing one. When my friends or relatives argue, I could not decide which side I am on. I don’t even know if I am a morning or a night person or if I prefer dogs than cats or if I like popcorn over fries and the list goes on. Oftentimes, I wonder what if I had no choice in everything? Like, everything in my life will be planned, scheduled or perfectly set-up: the food that I will eat, the clothes that I will wear, the people that I will talk to, the songs that I would listen to, etc. It may seem exciting at first but I’m sure, in time, I will just get bored with a singularity like that.
Today, at this very moment, I actually could not decide whether I should end this post now or continue rambling so