Dilemma

I’ve always been someone who’s not afraid to take risks. But when it comes to something I really want, taking a risk means so much more to me. Like, if the risk that I’d take will do me no good, I’d rather not take it or I would be depressed on what the outcome will be.

Generally speaking, if we learn how to take risks no matter what it will bring, we are showing true bravery. However, there are some who’d rather be weak but happy than be brave and unhappy. I may be one of them, or maybe not? Right now, my mind is filled with confusions that I never imagined I would have. I’m supposed to live a normal, contented and happy life like what the others do but here I am always looking for something, for answers—in which the questions, I do not know really. There are so many things that I want and undeniably, I do want them. Problem is, they are too many that now, I’m having a dilemma on what I will make as my priority. I know I cannot have everything I want because not everything I want, I deserve to have. It’s just that sometimes, I cling to those things that I want in order to enjoy every bit of my life.

When I get bored, I rely on music to entertain me. The tunes and rhythm I hear to ease my boredom are all pleasures to the ears. No matter what genre, it seems to soothe my mood and for a moment, I forget that I was bored. When I am kind of losing hope, writing saves me. Every word, phrase or sentence that my pen or keyboard lets out, all seem like a miracle that instantly uplifts my soul and gets me back on the right track. When I am looking for answers to anything my heart feels, books become my source of wisdom. As I read, I appreciate the beauty of words beautifully written in a masterpiece. Music, writing and books are those that I feel whole-heartedly as things that I want the most and given a chance, I want to pursue a career with. But on those things, I am too afraid to take any risk. My fear seems to overcome my wanting to pursue them and in the end, all I get is confusion. Like, I want this something but I’m too weak or too coward to fight for it. And so my dilemma goes on whether I’ll let my fear of taking risk or my want to pursue them win the battle that is raging in my whole being.

I don’t want to be this way. I want to go for what I want, get involved in something worthwhile and live comfortably with myself and other people’s intervention. But how? I’m not used to having strong emotions but right now, I feel a deep sense of longing to do what I want despite my fear of trying and taking the risk.

I hope to take the risk sooner. I’m definitely taking it. I’m having a leap of faith. Until then, I’ll be free.

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Dilemma

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